Tales of the Chemo Suites: Personal Household Saints, Part 1

This week is a chemo free week, and next week is the dreaded “long infusion” of chemo. Because of the break I have been in an excellent mood but still reflecting on angels, messengers of the divine, those who say just the right thing at the right time to you. I told you about the angel of the chemo suite last week (Weston: better seen then viewed).

I have difficulty “believing” in God-the-Overlord, I’m more of a “divine-within” person. I have always found divinity everywhere. I find my personal saints in sinners, miracles on the AIDS ward, narratives of joy in ordinary events, the hand of the ancients in the wind-sculpted trees of the coast, and reminders of heaven on earth in perfectly surfing a perfect wave.

I call them personal household saints but Buddhists call them bodhisattvas, people who have completed endless lives on the wheel of reincarnation and suffering and now, having achieved enlightenment, are entitled to step off the wheel for the bliss of nirvana. But a bodhisattva, out of compassion, renounces nirvana in order to save others, and returns to the wheel to work for the enlightenment of all.

Consequently, there are a lot of them around; they tend to be crazy (because they already know the Cosmic Joke). My favorite bodhisattvas perfect the world by releasing in us our own capacity for joy.

This short film is based on a true story, something that really happened to the filmmaker on the Paris Metro. Bodhisattva Laughing Man. Enjoy.

Tales of the Chemo Suites -- Angels in Hawaiian Shirts

I had chemo Friday, and I was feeling particularly sorry for myself. I snorfled and cried like a little girl when they put the IV in and was just feeling the injustice of it all, the indignity of everything. No fair. Why me. Fuck everyone. Red-faced and with tears streaming down my face. On the pity pot. General misery.

My cancer is rare, and rarer still in women, so at 56 I am the youngest person in my chemo group and one of the only women. I'm the person most likely to live for thirty more years in the group. Most of the people in my chemo group are men in their 80's with bladder cancer. They have bags, multiple surgeries, their survival rates are low, some are clearly dying.

As I was getting the IV I heard a wind whisper in my ear "Pay Attention". And so I did, and looked around.

I was surrounded by the men of the Greatest Generation, who kicked Hitler's ass as teenagers and were now enduring the pain and indignity of cancer with particular grace. I was surrounded by men who dressed up for chemo, flirted with the pretty nurses in a sweet way, took their IVs as if they were mosquito bites, and endure what comes.

Some had silver hair and some were just bald from chemo or time. One had a snappy fedora on, another a Red Sox cap, no one had a wig. Everyone had on short-sleeved shirts, even in this cold weather, for their IV lines.

Weston was sitting across from me getting his IV. In his 80's, he had the clear, unlined face of a man with a life well-lived. His chinos were razor-pressed and he had on a fabulous Hawaiian shirt and a manly affect, in the best sort of way, with direct and amused blue eyes.

When the nurse said it was nice to see him, he looked at me, winked, and cracked "Better seen then viewed".

And that's all it took for me. I laughed like a hyena, and the frame changed, completely. The tag line of the suites today was "Better seen then viewed".

Thus, chemo was easy, and I slept like a baby on the drive home. I bought a beautiful 30's style cloche hat for the predicted Hair Fall. Vermont is especially beautiful this time of year. Life is sweet.

Better seen then viewed.

Gettin' all sorts of cancer links - like singing doctors?

These are real doctors and they made me laugh. Sorry for the hiatus but I'll be blogging a bit more, because isolation isn't healthy. Anyway, enjoy this clip.

Free Chocolate Today

I don't do coupons very often but I am jonesin' for a Snickers Bar. My approach to frugality doesn't include candy bars, because I'd rather spend my money on organic produce, so all the extras have been cleared out.

Free food doesn't count though, and today is Free Chocolate Friday. Sign up and Mars Candy will send you a coupon for a full size Mars candy product of your choice. According to the fine print, you'll have to wait 4 to 6 weeks to get it. I can wait for free, free is worth waiting for. The promotion is over tonight at 11:59 PM Eastern Standard Time and as of 5 minutes ago, they hadn't run out of coupons.

My only tip? As with all promotions, they want an email address (although the coupon comes snail mail) and so be sure to use your junk yahoo or whatever address to take care of all the spam sure to fly your way.

Here's the link for the promotion. Sweet day to y'all.

What to Do With a Bald Head?

Thank you all for your messages of support, and lurkers de-lurking, and all that. I really appreciate it. I'm still working on the laptop order, so I'll tell ya tomorrow what I finally landed on.

I'm making plans. Since I am going to have a gnarly scar, I am planning the complementary tattoo and solicting suggestions. A friend didn't have a tattoo suggestion, instead she sent me something to do with my bald head after chemo -- a henna head -- a temporary tat that washes off after a few weeks. Better than a scratchy wig and so festive.

Almost all of my friends are funny and irreverant. Since it usually takes age to hone the art of inducing the lose control belly laugh, my friends that are my age tend to be laugh out loud uncontrollably funny, seasoned belly laughers one and all. My friends who are 20 years younger bring me deliciously bitchy post-modern irony and snark, another art form. Because I have some form of oppositional disorder, cancer just makes me want to crack wise, tell dark and horrible jokes, and generally shitdisturb when I hear the hushed voices.

It has only been a week and I can't stand the hushed voices and what my pal DKB and I call "the googly-eyes"...if you are anywhere close to old, you may remember these early 70s big-eyed children. When I tell people what is going on with me, some give me the googly eyes, mostly cause they don't know what to say. I get it, but I still don't like the googly eyes. Tell me a good joke.

My friend Michael had been riffing foodie about kidney beans, and then every time he says the word kidney, he gives me googly eyes and apologizes profusely, in more and more elaborated, prissy, and ridiculous ways, for even saying the word, all in the most fabulous heart-of-Brooklyn accent. I almost broke a rib on that one laughing (and thanks, Michael, I needed that).

This link shows a totally bitchen' mastectomy scar tattoo, a true work of art. Since my scar will be running vertically up my back, I am thinking of having it "bloom" with leaves and flowers, or perhaps as a cadeuces, interwined snakes twining up the scar. There is time to pick my art, but it is way more fun thinking about this tonight then say, chemo or something. Thanks again for your messages of support. Truly.

Your Advice Solicited: Laptop Purchase

Since I expect to be laid up for awhile, the need for a new laptop has become urgent since my old laptop bit the dust on the same day as the cancer diagnosis. I don't have a lot of time to research stuff because of impending surgery. Have to get the order in today or tomorrow. So I thought I would ask you computer-literate types for suggestions.

Here's the list:

1) It is on work's dime, so I don't have to be especially frugal, although it would be good to be moderate. I'm figuring no more than $1500, less would be better.

2) It has to be a PC and it has to have XP installed. Vista sucks so bad I wouldn't touch it. Similarly, Dells are not an option, ever, for the rest of my life.

3) I travel a lot so lightness is a good thing, as light as possible. Anyone think netbooks are Worth It yet?

4) I use desktops by preference because I have bad eyes, so a decently lit screen is important.

5) I run Office applications (all of them esp powerpoint and excel) and SAS. I live on thumb drives so lots of RAM is important for SAS heavy programs, storage gigabytes are less important. I spend a lot of time on the web so wireless is critical but I don't think there are any laptops that don't have wireless these days.

6) I'm looking at Sony Vaios because I am a design slut and they are purty, but I know nothing about their performance. Thoughts?

Okay, please just tell me what to buy. It would be a good deed. Many thanks.

Worst. Birthday. Ever.

I haven't posted for a bit and here's why. I've been sick for a few weeks, and on my birthday this week, I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. There is a nephrectomy (kidney removal) in my immediate future to be followed by chemo.

The bright side is that it is small, this particular kind of kidney cancer has a very high 5 year survival rate, and people live fine with just one kidney. I am not going to die of this, it is just going to make me more of a cranky bitch than I am today. Plus I've always wanted really short hair, to lose a few pounds and a tattoo of a snake wrapped around a wicked scar.

The downside is I am scared shitless, and no amount of intellectual knowledge or joking counter-balances that. And this isn't a good time to have cancer, begging the question of when the right time is -- whatever, just not now please. No really, I'll be good, I will only eat organic from now on, and only drink pure filtered water....just make it go away.

Cancer is not frugal, instead it is the test of the systems I put into place to deal with catastrophe; systems that would have been perfect in two years. Alas, in the present day those systems are only so-so and today, there is some emergency planning going on. I'll be posting regularly as this adventure unfolds. Maybe there is something to learn from it.

Lesson #1: Life changes in a heartbeat.

Pickled Lemons: 2 Day Update

This is what pickled lemons look like after the initial shock and assembly (what I did on Sunday). Now they are settling down, there is enough juice expressed to cover all the lemons.

I tasted one of the lemons, and it was very tart, but with all the bright promise of becoming delicious soon. The lemon rind is softening. I will use these lemons to make a Moroccan dish, chicken tagine, using this recipe. I read the recipe like it's food porn, imagining, tasting, then craving all that lemon delight.

I stare at the lemons, willing them to pickle faster. I want it to be the future. I don't want to be in my skin today. Why? you might ask.

Because today, the gods laughed at me. I made the grave error of telling a friend I was hiking with that I was "immune to poison ivy". Do not ever say this, don't even form the thought in your head. You will be cursed and the gods will laugh at you as well. After saying this sentence, several times as a matter of fact, it turns out that I am distinctly susceptible to poison ivy. I am now covered with medieval pustules and itch, it is on my face, go figure.

The goddess is highly amused but sympathetic. She is amused because she is the one who told me of the ancient telling of the ivy, that it exists to humble the arrogant, those who would deny the ivy power. Don't ever say those words, don't even form the thought. I distract myself with thoughts of tagine.

Pickled Lemons

Lately, I have been reflecting on winter. We finally have some sun, so perversely, I reflect on the dark times to come. As I think about December, I know I will be craving light and heat and memories of summer. December will be a perfect time to uncap pickled lemons, salty summer in a jar. Since pickled lemons take about 4 months to pickle well (in my humble and inexpert opinion) I made some today in anticipation of the Dark.

Pickled right, the lemons should taste like tart, sour olives and are used pretty much the same way in cooking. Sliced pickled lemons and steamed fish are divine, and the pickles also go well with chicken. There are many, many Moroccan recipes I have yet to try.

I used this recipe from the Herbwifes Kitchen for Moroccan style pickled lemons, but didn't do the fancy cutting of the lemons that she did, I just cut off both ends and quartered them. Only use kosher or sea salt. Put a thick layer of salt at the bottom of your clean, sterilized jar and start layering in lemons. On each layer, sprinkle some more salt.

As you build up the layers, squish down the lemons gently. The salt starts drawing the juice out of the lemons right away. Pack the lemon quarters as tightly as you can, salting each layer and salting the top. After the jar is packed, leave it on your counter for a week and every time you pass it give it a shake.

By day 3 or so, if there isn't enough lemon juice to completely cover the lemons, juice some more lemons and completely cover the lemons in the jar with juice, and press the lemons down to make sure they are completely submerged. Then leave it alone. The Herbwife Recipe says for a month, I say for 3 months.

The photo below shows the pickles in their alarming first day mode before they have expressed their juice and been topped off with extra juice on day three. There really are a million ways to use lemon pickles and how I like tart food. If these work, I will be liberated from buying pickled lemons in precious little jars from Expensive & Pretentious, a gourmet food store in Boston.

I am also looking forward to experimenting with the Indian version of pickled lemons. I've got my eye on this Indian pickle recipe, courtesy of the fabulous blog, Indian Food Rocks. I will do a test batch update on these at their uncapping in December. Till soon.

Turkey Chili: Adapted By Chance

I love Penzey's Spices, and I love their catalog best of all the food porn that is delivered to the house. I love their catalog, which comes frequently, because they usually have can't-miss recipes. Sure they are pushing product but really, their recipes are divine. How can you not love a catalog that makes a point of visual diversity, carries whole cardamon and garam masala, an excellent pickling spice blend, several different kinds of salt, vindaloo and ranch dressing mix, all of it "best quality". The recipes are just value added.

But I like to mess around with recipes and I thought you would be amused by how I adapted the straightforward and very good turkey chili that came out in the recent Penzey's catalog. It tastes like a dish from the Yucatan -- corn, turkey, black beans and chili -- very characteristic flavors of southern Mexico. Either way, original or the Chance version, this chili is delicious. I keep making it in big batches for frugal lunch, and it gets eaten before I get to freeze it.

The original recipe is in the Harvest 2009 Penzey's catalog. The adapted recipe is below and my comments are in italics.

Penzey’s Turkey Chili – Adapted by Chance

Ingredients

1 medium to large yellow onion, chopped

2 garlic cloves (or more!) minced

1 pound ground turkey

• get pastured or free range for better taste, organic doesn’t matter

2 scant tablespoons chipotle chili powder

• The original recipe called for 4 TBs regular chili powder but I cut it in half so that I could use chipotle chili powder which is way hotter than regular chili powder. Chipotle is made from dried, smoked and ground jalapenos. 2 TBs of chipotle makes it hot for a Californian but not so tears are running down your face, but it might be too much for an east coast muggle. Adjust as desired, if using chipotle start with a tablespoon and work up after you see how it tastes.

1 teaspoon ground cumin

• Don’t skip this spice, very important -- this chili tastes like Mexico with the cumin added in.

½ teaspoon fresh ground pepper

14 oz of chicken broth

• I used the broth I made and stuck in the freezer but a regular can o’ broth will do.

3 16 oz cans of black beans, 1 drained and 2 not drained

• The original recipe calls for 2 cans of black beans and 1 can of kidney beans. I hate kidney beans and love black beans hence the 3 cans. Only use Goya brand prepared black beans or make them yourself. All other brands are revolting.

2 14.5 oz cans of diced tomatoes

• I diced up some fresh from the garden – make sure you get all the juice into the pot if you do this.

The kernels from 4 -6 large ears of fresh corn (raw) or if you must, a 16 oz bag of frozen corn.

• Err on the side of a lot of corn, use a knife to scrape it off the cobs.

To make:

Put the onion, garlic and turkey in a large stock pot. Heat over medium high heat until turkey is just cooked through. Add spices and cook for another 5 minutes. There will be some brown bits of clumped chili sticking to the pan.

Add the chicken broth and stir well to get the brown stuff off the bottom and blended in. Add everything else and cook for 10 -15 minutes. Taste and add sea salt or more chili powder as needed. Simmer on very low until ready to eat.

Serve with tortilla chips or fresh tortillas. Put out small bowls of shredded cheddar cheese so that people can put it on top of their chili, and/or sour cream or maybe some diced avocado (please, only Haas avocados) as additional toppings.

Freezes very well, make double batches and freeze in portions for microwave lunch. Serving size is about a cup and half and with no toppings, it is 280 calories a serving.